I killed my character just now. Again.
The first time I killed her, it was in a cheap notebook from Ryman Stationers while sitting on a squidgy chair during the break at Orchestra, some time last year. I don’t even know why I remember that. I’m not sure I cried, but then it was a public place.
The second time would have been when typing it up for my ‘first draft’. I probably sniffled a bit.
The third time was about a month ago, perhaps two. I almost cried, but managed to hold it in. I couldn’t help crying later in the book, but I managed to avoid it for this chapter.
And the fourth time was about ten minutes ago. And I cried. Properly, not just a sniff or two. Tears. Somehow, it’s worse the fourth time over.
I think it’s partly got to do with the music. I found the most helpful piece of music while I was writing that particular scene to be “Vale Decem” from “Doctor Who: Series 4 – The Specials” by Murray Gold, which I believe comes from right near the end where Tennant is about to regenerate. It hurts, that music.
But then again, Spotify kept giving me ads every five minutes. In that case, what made me cry this time and not the others?
Well, I’ve had longer to get attached to her. I guess that’s part of it. I know so much about her, now, things I didn’t know before. There are so many things I could tell you that you would never know from reading it. Perhaps that why it hurt – because I know her better.
Or perhaps it’s that I’m tired. Emotions are always closer to the surface when you haven’t slept properly in a little while, and I could definitely have stayed in bed longer this morning.
Perhaps it’s better written, so there were fewer distractions to put me off the mood.
Whatever it was, I’m feeling emotionally compromised. If anybody comes in and talks to me now, I might just bite their heads off. Even as I type this post, the music continues in the background. If you’re interested, it comes from my playlist entitled ‘Death Scenes’. Perhaps that says something about how many times I’ve edited this novel recently.
I’ve only a couple more pages to type of Part One, so I think I’m going to go and do that. I can cope. I promise I can cope. I am not having a breakdown over the death of a fictional character, honestly.
I promise …