It’s the time of year when everybody is ill. Your YouTube subscriptions feed is lagging because all of the vloggers you follow are too ill to make videos; blog posts seem to arrive even more infrequently than usual, despite multiple refreshings of your inbox; your blanket is permanently in use and you don’t feel well enough to do ANYTHING. Especially not when it involves being upright.
Never fear! I have the ultimate survival guide.
YOU WILL NEED:
This is basically non negotiable. However, I’m aware that some people may be incapable of watching anything containing Captain Jack Harkness without fainting from joy, or are in the unfortunate situation of living somewhere where Torchwood is unavailable, or even are too young to watch it, as it is rated a 15 in the UK. In these circumstances, as I like to cater to all audiences, it may be substituted for the more family-friendly Doctor Who, or something of equal awesome like Sherlock.
(I would hope that intelligent readers such as my own would be aware that in order to watch Torchwood, one will need suitable apparatus)
Again, I like to cater to all audiences, so if you don’t like tea (and I was one of you poor people until November last year, so I will not judge you… yet), you can substitute this for a hot beverage of your choice. Under these circumstances, a Lemsip may be advisable, though not particularly tasty.
- Throat sweets
(or other medicine)
- A blanket
This is not strictly necessary, but may make you more comfortable.
A Step-By-Step Survival Guide
- Put a dressing gown over your pyjamas (do NOT get dressed. Definitely detrimental to recovery) and go to the sink. Fill the kettle with water and turn it on. When the kettle has boiled, make tea (or other beverage).
- Make your way to wherever you intend to watch Torchwood. Place your mug on a table or coaster elsewhere, and load the DVD. Select an episode. If you intend to be ill for several hours, select ‘play all’. (There are only going to be three or four episodes on each disc anyway.)
- As the episodes commence, drink your tea. These must be done in this order.
- When your tea is finished, you should be about twenty minutes or so into the episode, allowing time for the drink to cool. Wait around five minutes, to allow the taste of tea to fade from your mouth, and then take your throat sweet or other medicine.
- Huddle under the blanket to keep warm while continuing to watch Torchwood. Text friends in shock when Owen appears to be dead. Laugh when he describes himself as a headless chicken who hasn’t yet stopped walking around. Cry at how he and Tosh just seem to be incapable of getting together (but be secretly pleased, because you want Owen for yourself).
- Watch more Torchwood.
- Pause Torchwood, fill the kettle, and make another cup of tea.
- Restart Torchwood, while drinking tea.
- Rinse and repeat.
And there we go.
If you still feel ill when this is over, return to this blog post.
There. Do you feel better now?