I may be rather absent from my blog for the next week or so. Not because anything has happened, or because I don’t love you all as much as I said that I did in my last post – simply because I am tired.
The sort of tired that would probably be solved by a lazy day, twelve hours’ sleep, and a hiatus from having to do any work, but also the sort of tired that builds up over time until you’re sitting on the ground at the bus stop and you know that you just can’t go on like this.
It’s the sort of tired that led me to doze off on the bus earlier – the sort of tired that means I don’t understand a word my French teacher says to me – the sort of tired that leaves me staring at the list of work I need to do and my whole brain just yelling ‘NOPE NOPE NOPE’ even though there isn’t actually that much, because I’ve been efficient about getting it done, and just a couple of hours of concentration would have it all sorted out.
I need to sleep.
I need to calm down.
Part of it’s because I haven’t been writing this week. Writing fiction, though I often complain about it, provides a sort of catharsis that I don’t get from writing essays. Knowing that I have a chapter to edit when I’ve done my work actually makes me work faster, and the push to make myself edit that chapter that evening leaves me with a sharper mind and a sense of relief.
But I finished editing. (A post on what I was working on is coming soon, I promise. Just not until I’ve slept.) Because I’m preparing for NaNoWriMo, which requires research and planning, I’m not starting anything new. Probably, taking a break from blogging is a bad idea because it’s the only voluntary writing I’m doing at the moment, but I just need not to have the obligation.
Without my coping mechanism – writing – and with an increase in the number of essays I have to write and the number of disturbed nights I’m having (I get quite a few nightmares, and tend to wake up a lot), it’s just all getting too much.
I am tired. Some of the time I’m so tired I want to cry. And I know I need to go to bed earlier and I know I need to relax so that I fall asleep more quickly but somehow, I can’t summon up the self-discipline to do that.
So if you don’t see me around between now and my Teens Can Write Too post on, I think, the 12th (god forbid it should be that long before I’m back, but who knows), that’s why. I’m not dead. I’m sleeping and working and trying to learn to cope.
I leave you with this song (unfortunately a live recording, and I always prefer studio tracks), because some of the lyrics seem relevant* at the moment. Also because it’s a good song, although this is a slightly different version to the one I know:
*their chains are getting closer / and I am tired…