Sick & Anxious (An Autobiography)

Sick & Anxious (An Autobiography)

I started writing another post in my ‘going to university’ series on Monday, this time about what to wear to lectures and so on, because that was something I worried a lot about just before I started. I wrote most of the post on my phone, so I had to leave it unfinished because I wanted to embed some tweets and have yet to figure out how to do that via the app, and figured I’d post it promptly.

And then the Stomach Bug From Hell arrived.*

Okay, so it probably wasn’t the worst stomach bug in the world, but I’m just not a vomiting person. It’s true! I have all sorts of stomach problems, but they tend to manifest as the more abstract “something doesn’t feel right” type of symptoms, or maybe cramps, rather than as like… repeated throwing up. I haven’t thrown up since I had Freshers’ Flu, and even that was just a one-off, though still very unpleasant.

Perhaps I should do a ‘going to uni’ post on Freshers’ Flu, because it’s real and it sucks and it’ll make you homesick even if you didn’t have any other reason to miss home because being ill is made worse only by being ill when your mum isn’t there to look after you.

Anyway. That was a sidenote. I threw up a lot of times on Tuesday, and I had a fever of about thirty nine degrees (which since I’m normally at about thirty six and a half, being a vampire, seemed rather high), and I’ve spent the past three days feeling ill and sorry for myself and getting absolutely nothing done. SO THAT WENT WELL.

Actually, it’s super infuriating and is making me stressed about going back to uni. What happened was this:

Last Thursday marked the start of ceilidh band tour to Derbyshire. Although I’d enjoyed the trip last year, I was very apprehensive about going this year, because I thought it would reduce my chances of being ready for the start of term, and I really didn’t want to get behind. Two days before the trip I came extremely close to dropping out, but then FOMO made me compromise and agree to go to half of it.

The plan would be that I’d be with them Thursday -> Monday and then come home on Monday morning, instead of staying until Friday. This would have the added bonus of allowing me to go to dance on Monday night and not miss one of my last few classes. To some extent, this all went according to plan, except that I was on tour just long enough to catch the beginnings of a bug that were going around…

… and so, woke up at 5am on Tuesday feeling horrific. I thought it was food poisoning at first, but later in the day reports came in of others on tour having the same problem, so I think my rubbish immune system just meant I caught it a bit faster, since I’m fairly sure I’m not patient zero in this case. In fact, most of them seem to have recovered faster than me, since I still feel crappy. Thanks, immune system, you suck.

As a result, it’s now Friday and I have done absolutely no work, so I might as well have stayed on tour, except for the fact that at least this way I had my parents to look after me while I couldn’t digest any food except jelly and didn’t have to go through it all while staying in a hostel. I guess that’s a definite perk.

BUT I’m stressed. I have a ton of dissertation reading I wanted to get done, my timetable for this term continues to look busier and more hellish (it turns out I have an extra seminar somewhere that isn’t on the timetable but should be and thus I don’t know when it’s going to be but that’s a thing that will require work), and I haven’t done any more Welsh translation so I’m going to be immediately behind with that.

Look at all these books I need to read…

I’m also beginning to think everyone who told me that “Second year ASNaC is the worst! Third year will be so much better!” did not take the same paper options as me because sure, second year was so bad that I did it twice, but third year looks horrific.

I’m just not sure this course really plays to my strengths, you know? It claims to be history, language, and literature, but really it’s history and languages with literature as an afterthought / means of studying the languages. My Old Irish exam this year will only be 35% literature compared to 50% last year, which means there’s less and less focus on the one thing I’m good at and more emphasis on the stuff I find ridiculously hard (and also not that interesting).

And for languages, if you’re really into them, you can take the philology papers and go even more languagey, but there’s no literary equivalent for that. There isn’t a super-literature paper to mean that lit people can do the same thing. Sighh. It doesn’t seem very fair.

I sort of don’t want to go back

It’s frustrating, as I’d just reached the point where I was ready to be back in Cambridge as a place and to have the surroundings and the space that I enjoy there — a feeling that almost outweighed my apprehension about the workload. But my general unreadiness for the term ahead is now outweighing my desire to be independent again, and I’m freaking out, and it’s all this stupid stomach bug’s fault.

Or not. I don’t know. I’m going to continue to stress anyway.

More frustratingly, I’d planned to make a YouTube video this week, which happens so rarely that it is definitely a Notable Thing, but unfortunately have been way too ill for that to be possible. So… maybe over the weekend, if there’s some good light? It’ll have to be good to make me look vaguely healthy tbh, but we’re getting there.

Anywayyyyy… this isn’t intended to put anyone off who is about to start uni or who has just started. I’m like this every year (and sometimes it’s justified, sometimes it isn’t). But I’m stressed, and I figured I should say this so you don’t start getting ideas about how well adjusted I am and look how well I’m coping these days. I am not. I am distinctly… not.

Now I am going to try and do some dissertation reading, to try and trick my brain into thinking I’m at least slightly ready. Sigh.


*As a result of the stomach bug the post about what to wear has not yet been finished / posted. I can still do that if anyone’s interested, but I don’t know if other people stress about that as much as I did, so just let me know if it would be of use.

2 thoughts on “Sick & Anxious (An Autobiography)

  1. Very sorry to hear about your bug *lots of hugs (but not too close)* hope you’re mostly on the mend. And also sorry about the stress *hands cookies*. I would definitely read a post about what to wear to lectures (I read all your posts, who am I kidding here..) but obvs get better and rest up xx

    1. Honestly I’ve been doing nothing but resting for three days, I haven’t so much as stepped out of the front door since Monday. SO MUCH REST. I AM BORED BUT ALSO UNMOTIVATED AND TIRED. Blahhh. Brain is not functioning. Body is functioning better than it was before, in that I’m upright and have ingested some calories today.

What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

%d bloggers like this: