I’m writing this blog post from home. Home home, despite the fact that the Cambridge term hasn’t finished yet. Back in the room I’ve lived in since I was twelve, next door to the room I lived in since I was one, I’m preparing to spend seven months making myself not-crazy. The plan, as it currently stands, looks something like this:
- Start a bullet journal. I’ve heard good things about these, and I’m not really sure how they work, but ‘to-do’ lists are usually a good way of motivating myself. Except when they stress me out.
- Get out of bed every day, definitely before noon, and preferably before 10am. Also, try not to go back to bed during the day, if at all possible.
- Remember to eat meals. Ideally these meals would have some nutritional value, perhaps containing vegetables. It would be good if there were at least two of them every day. Evening meals should be relatively easy to coordinate as I can eat at the same time as my parents, but I need to remember to have lunch.
- Actually showering and getting dressed every day would be good too.
- Slowly wean off my current meds, because they’re making me worse. This will probably make me crazy at first, which means I have to do it slowly, and keep an eye on my responses. I’ve gone down to a slightly smaller dose and have had a few seriously anxious moments, but hopefully those will pass.
- Find something to do every day that takes me out of the house, even if it’s just going to one of the (many, many) coffee shops in town and writing there.
- Attempt to do some volunteering or something that will take my mind off myself. Maybe find a library to work in. I know how to do that and books are less scary than people.
- Try to return to playing my instruments.
- Catch up on all the book reviews I’ve been ignoring, and read more books, and write more book reviews.
Hopefully by the time I’ve done these things, I’ll be ready to go back to uni, though whether for the right reasons or because I’ve driven myself mad stuck here, I don’t know.
Being at home feels weird. I haven’t really registered that it’s a more permanent thing this time — my brain is still treating it like a holiday. I’m sure once I’ve unpacked everything, I’ll start to process the fact that I’m here until October. I’ve found homes for all my books, but haven’t unpacked my clothes yet, which says a lot about me as a person…
I know that being here will force me to adjust in many ways. I’ll need to avoid my nocturnal habits so that I don’t disturb my parents, who have to get up early for work. I’ll also need to learn to deal with living in a town that doesn’t have any bookshops, not even a WHSmith’s. Possibly, this will stop me buying so many books, although we do have a lot of charity shops here…
With any luck, I’ll start to feel better once I’ve gone off my meds, and then it’ll be a case of doing CBT (which I really should’ve put on that list above, since it’s a pretty crucial part of the plan, but there we go) to deal with the thought patterns that are stopping me from functioning. Like the fact that anxiety keeps messing with my ability to eat because I start thinking what if the food has gone off? and then I won’t check the dates or open the packet to see if it has gone off and I leave it and leave it until it becomes this huge insurmountable problem and by the time I overcome that, even if it wasn’t mouldy before it is now. Good one, me.
And I want to build up my strength and ballet technique so that I injured myself less often, and I’m going to learn to cook more gluten-free foods, and so on and so forth. Oh, and I’m going to hang out with my friend’s cats. Well. If she’s in, I guess. It might weird her family out if I just turned up and asked to see the cats.
It shouldn’t be too hard to keep myself occupied over the next few months — after all, there’s always Netflix, and I just started watching How To Get Away With Murder — but I also need to remember to focus on getting better and planning for the future, as much as keeping busy in the present.
I’ll try and blog about my progress, as well as about other things, and hopefully the tone here will be more engaged and cheerful once I’ve dragged myself out of whatever dark hole I’ve fallen into. So … yay, I guess?